A Mel Epstein Dinner Table . . .

By Rick Farris

I spent a lot of time in restaurants with Mel Epstein.
He would order for me whenever he could.
We'd go to this little cafe on 6th Street, around the corner from George Parnassus office.

The place was called the "Hi-Ho", and the old waitress might have been there on opening day, at least a half century before.
Old "Mary" was a nice lady, she would address Mel as "Mr. Epstein" and I was always, "young man."
"I'll have the lamb", Mel would tell her after reading the menu, "and the obsinate kid over there will have the liver."
Mel was buying, so I had little say in the menu.
Mel would flirt with Mary for a moment, and then she would smile and say,"Oh Mr. Epstein . . ." as she hurried away.

Mel would be pleased by her reaction and turn to me, smiling.
When Mary returned she'd have water glasses. Mel would immediatly frown and grab my glass, "Take this back and dump the ice."
Mary would look at him, puzzled, but then follow his order. When she brought me the water, I'd whisper to her, "he's crazy."
She'd nod, considering the possibility.

Mary would disappear and then bring our dinner.
Mel was in total control. He had a waitress at his beck & call, and I wasn't resisting his nutritional demands.

As I cut my liver Mel asked me if I was aware of the most healthy item on my plate.
"The liver?" My guess.
"No. It's the parsley. That little green decoration has more useful vitamins than that dead animal flesh your cutting into.
I reminded him, "You ordered that dead animal flesh."

Randy, did Mel ever lay that Parsley story on you? He'd tell how healthy the twig of parsley was, and then he'd top it off.
He'd proudly put the parsley in his mouth and eat it.

Mel Epstein was truly a crazy bastid.